I think I need to really rethink life again. Life in general, and my life in specific.
The world is so damned crazy, and my little world is filled with uncertainty ahead.
And I still don't know who the hell I am, or who I should be or could be. Or anything, really.
I'm in pretty bad shape. Not just physically, but mentally too.
I'm not sure that there's any way up for me anymore.
Thank you for your kind comments on my blog... as you said, it is one moment at a time, not a day at a time. Sometimes it helps if I can just get my head down- comfy bed and pillow, just a little light, talk radio on really low. I curl up and rest there a few hours. Usually I can't get a few hours for myself like that, but when I get to this stage I just have to say, 'tough- I need it' and go lay down.
ReplyDeleteI am getting by on Lorazepam, which is like the 'pre med' you get before an operation! I am on two a day but taking 4 or so. It blocks things out a wee bit and helps me snooze for an hour or two.
I'm meant to take care of my mum but this week I've been calling a cab to go get her and bring her here rather than me going out. I have to keep an eye on my ailing old cat too...
As to a meaning in my life, I am too down and running on empty to think about things that matter.
I'm overweight thanks to my pills, and feeling old and that I've wasted my life.... but right now I can't cope with such things. They are on a shelf higher up than I can reach right now.
Hang on in there.........
the on,y thing for sure in life is that we don't know what happens next, so if we check out, we might miss something.
When I am suicidal I try to remember that I don't really want to die, I want to switch off for 6 months, and I just have to find little ways of doing that instead I suppose..
You probably won't read this, Helena, but I need to thank you for leaving your comment.
ReplyDeleteI have so much respect for you, for fighting for yourself, for fighting every day to keep your head above water. And you fight for those you love.. your Mum, for Scooter as you did for Fluffy.
You're a brave and lovely and loving young woman, Helena.
I learn from you, from your words, whether it's a good day or a bad day or something in between.
Thank you for taking the time to write to me.
Love and hugs to you,
Leenie
OK now I'm a wee bit teary...
ReplyDelete:) THANK you for such kind words, Leenie.
Sounds like you are on the right path -- your own...
ReplyDeleteThank you, Mr McKibbin.
ReplyDeleteIt took me a long time to even realise I could have a path of my own. Such is the nature of being molded and formed by others.
I do enjoy your blog posts. They make me think in ways I might otherwise have not. Thanks for that.
All the best to you,
Eileen